Is it..is it over? Is 2015 really over?
Hi there. Remember me? I'm that girl who can never seem to stay quiet and then randomly re-appears, four years later. Excuse me, whilst I brush the dust off my keyboard.
(I figure I can be brutally honest here, it's not like anyone is going to read this after all this time XD)
When I started this blog in 2011, or whatever year it was, I never expected things to work out like they did. This was all meant to be strictly personal; for the odd stranger who didn't actually care, to read. I never expected anyone to read what I had to say, never mind, announcing to my friends that it was me writing this. To put that into context, when I started writing "seriously", I would link my own work to people I trusted, at the time, and they seemed to enjoy it. So eventually, I decided to let it out that it was actually me talking. And that's when the idea of "Zoe" was officially born. People started to refer to me as that both in real life, and online. Which was fine, until I started doing it myself.
I've never been good at words. I've never been good at putting across what I have to say in an effective manner. I can never say what I'm feeling in that moment, and I'll bottle it up, until a few tiny issues that could be easily fixed become, a well structured essay of emotion in someone's message box. And so, that's when Zoe came into play.
It started as a joke. I'd talk about myself from Zoe's perspective. It was like having a best friend who would let other's know you were having a bad day and to go easy on you. But, I was doing it myself, This is all very confusing to talk about now. This stopped eventually but, I was never really able to let go of that shield that was Zoe. I always had to have a guard up. And in case you hadn't noticed, I stopped writing. I decided I had to channel my creativity into something, so I started doing YouTube, under my own name. It feels more real. It's strange.
I digress. I'm still not good with words. It gets to that point where you're near bursting point and you either decide to let it out, or take a step back and let things mellow out. From experience, I can tell you neither are a good option. If you go all out, guns blazing, that's more than likely not going to end well. If it let it mellow and hope it'll all just go away, you're just going to end up pushing people away, if you're in any way like me.
But what happens, when you're feeling ready to put yourself back into that situation, after a few weeks? People are wondering what'd happened, they're angry, they're planning social events without you and you find yourself more lost than before. All because, you shut everyone out and you're now, "moody". Hurts doesn't it? But who can blame them? Remember how you felt when they didn't respond to your messages or efforts to hang out with them?
This is an internal struggle I've had for years. I don't want to hurt anyone but, end up doing it anyway.
If college this year has taught me anything it's that you're never going to be able to keep everyone happy. If you do somehow manage to do that, you're going to be miserable yourself. Where do you draw the line? I've decided to start seeing a counsellor to try help me figure that one out.
However, I don't think they'll be able to help me stop everything I say, getting taken out of context. One of the many joys of being a creator. And not good with words.